By Jack

Thursday
My Mummy says I am too big to go in the shower with her now, she says I am a big clever boy and can shower myself. My mummy has a beard on her bottom. I asked daddy why mummy has a beard on her bottom and he said its cos s and she�s not got Brazilians but mummy said to daddy it�s because he was important and daddy got angry and said that mummy was a fridge. I think my mummy�s more like a big teddy bear except sometimes she farts

Friday
I always go swimming with Uncle Paul because my mummy has celery on her thighs I think if we went swimming and people saw the celery they might try to eat it and I think it might hurt. I like celery and when I grow up I hope I am like Mum and not Uncle Paul because he only has hair thighs

Monday
My big sister plays chess. She plays it on the couch with her Alex; he is spotty and has to take off his trousers to play chess. I love chess, I came down when they were playing chess and they were so happy they gave me pop and sweets also when you play chess you get to bounce on the couch. My sister says Mums don�t play chess and don�t like it so I better not tell her or I�m dead meat, when I�m sixteen I�m going to play chess

Tuesday
Alex says he is going to join the army to fight Al Keys dad, he says Al Keys dad is very bad and wants to kill me. He lives in a cave with gorillas and Alex is going to shoot him and fight the gorillas. Don�t know why Al Keys Dad wants to kill me, I don�t even know Al Keys, if I knew Al Keys I�d be his friend and then he�d let me play with his gorilla�s and come to his cave, maybe the gorilla�s could come to school with us.

Wedensday
I saw Al Keys Dad on telly, but he wasn�t in a cave he was on a big beach and was wearing a long sheet with a tea towel on his head. I wore a sheet and a tea towel to be Joseph in the Christmas play we had to sing songs but I didn�t because everyone was looking at me and Mum was crying. If you try to run away in a sheet you get tangled and fall over and break the baby jesus and the manger. That�s why I don�t think Al Keys dad would be able to kill me because of his sheet.

Thursday
Yesterday Mummy and me went the bank, a bank is shop that gives you money from a count. We count to ten at school but the teacher doesn�t give us money. My dad says Mummy thinks he�s a bank but I think that�s a bit silly, sometimes they shout and he says she�s a tart. I like tart but I think that�s a bit silly Mummy doesn�t have a strawberry or any jam on top. But she does have celery thighs

Monday
Mummy and Daddy were having a shouting competition last night. I wakened up and they let me join in. Mummy was crying with laughter because I could shout so loud. I said Mummy was a beach because that�s what Daddy said and Mummy went to bed. Daddy said she was a bad loser at the shouting competition. Then I shouted that Daddy was an important tit. I know what a tit is, it�s a little bird that comes in my garden. Daddy said I should go to bed right away. A tit is also a mums booby wobbly bit but I don�t think its very important

Friday August
Theres a man called george w bush. alex said w stands for wanker but I thought that was a bad word because when stanley bruik said the dinner lady was a wanker she laughed for a long time then gave him peas for a week even though he said I don�t like peas. You have got to be bad to get peas for a week. When I told Alex about the dinner lady he said I should ask them their real names cos they are all men in disguise. The dinner ladys real name is Sharon and she is not a man. I hate peas.

Tuesday
My sister has got a monthly. A monthly is a thing that makes you stay in the toilet for a long time laying eggs and shouting at everyone whos peeing their pants My mum says girls get angry during a monthly and its allowed because girls have eggs and boys have seeds and that babies come out of the eggs She said girls have 400 eggs in their tummys, all with babies in them. I used to like eggs.